Widely, despairingly, acutely miserable : All I know to be alive is a grand thing

A dark hole is a lonely hole & battling with Mental Illness your very much alone or at least you feel alone, as your mind becomes a dark hole. Equally, you feel like your mind is on fire & no amount of water is putting the fire out. What is even more terrifying is that your alone with your thoughts & what has trigger this state of affairs, to some people seems like nothing at all.

One sentence that Matt Haig (the author to “Reasons to stay alive”) shares with us is that “Stigma is particularly cruel for depressives, because stigma affects thoughts & depression is a disease of thoughts.

Even though on the surface many people will say “how can someone like her be battling with depression, how can someone like her be unhappy, she does not look depressed, it’s all over thinking, she is just emotional & needs to control her emotions” I have heard it all before! 

Let me tell you something, when you suffer from depression & anxiety you learn to put on a front to hide something that you believe no one will understand. With this stigma around mental illness you have no choice, it’s wrong & damaging to someone who suffers from the disease.

Last week I suffered a set back, a set back that trigger the horrific downward spiral of self doubt, migraines, loneliness, sadness & thoughts of ending the pain that would lead to self harming. I spent 5 days trying to bring myself to get out of bed in the morning, 5 days of being distance, trying to figure out what is going on in my head.

This is a very painful experience, especially when you are alone, especially when you feel like you have no-one to rely on. Those who would agree, when you go through these experiences, you feel like everyone is letting you down. Remember though it’s your perception to what is happening to you & not the reality. People have lives too & are unable to support you at the drop of a hat, you need to fight this & make yourself happy by taking small steps.

Minor setback is an exquisite set up for a major come back – Remember that!! 

My head is a jungle & I am going through a painful experience & I just want it to stop.

I have 2 choices: Do I let these thoughts grow like weeds & suffocate my mind, or do I understand what is happening. I need to get up, make small changes to bring back me, along with my happiness. Of course I am doing my damn best to release the inner strength in me, it’s not easy at all & any set back is enough to knock the confidence right out of you! When you suffer from depression & a trigger happens (usually an event that has taken place & your mind cannot comprehend, the choices made by someone else in your mind) you are left helpless, you know what is coming & you have no idea if you can control it or not.

FYI : Do not forget that depressive can be happy & we are not always unhappy at all times. 

So…..What did I do next?

When this happens take time out & most importantly find ways to make your mind think differently.

You need to try & understand what has made you feel that way, what has made you loose control of your emotions & thought process & then let it go! You can not control what has just happened to you, what you can do is control how it changes you & the choices you now make.

Now is the time you need to slow down, get some rest & do not feel under pressure to do anything! If you do, talk to someone you can trust, talking helps iron out the thought patterns your currently thinking. Little steps you make now, add up to big results, so do something different to get different results.

Over the weekend I took a step back, barely got in contact with anyone & took time out with my mother who came down to Cornwall to visit. We had quality time & it was what I needed to get myself back on track.

Something I did differently was I purchased 2 new books. These books have started to change my thought patterns & inspire me to make small changes. These small changes have given me the focus to stop thinking about the damaging negative thoughts. (Once I have completed reading these inspirational books, I will write a review on my website).

  1. Reasons to Stay Alive, by Matt Haig
  2. The book of you, daily micro-actions for a happier healthier you, by a team of experts.


Additionally, another new experience I tried was a new restaurant which has opened up in Bournemouth called Wildwood, http://www.wildwoodrestaurants.co.uk.

A small collection of restaurants located around the UK offering Pasta, Grill and Pizza dishes. The atmosphere is relaxing, homely & great place to just chill & enjoy good food. You can see in the picture below I enjoyed there Lamb Burger, which included some of my favourite foods, feta cheese and guacamole … yum!!


A thought to share, life will always be up & down, you have been assigned these challenges in life to show others you can overcome, it’s important you share your story & help others.

“I have sometimes been widely, despairingly, acutely miserable… but through it all I still know…. to be alive is a grand thing” Agatha Christie 

My point is when you face these challenges take small steps to make yourself feel better, I hope that soon I will feel normal again & learn to love life like I did before this set back took place.

Thank you for reading xx

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